Kindergarten fears

I don’t know why I remember this day so clearly. The teacher is asking me a question. A question I’ve been told not to answer. What is your name? I can’t tell you my name. Why not sweetie? My mom said to never tell strangers my name. I always listened to my mom. She loved me then. Or at least I felt loved by both my parents.

Later that afternoon, we were all gathered around the teacher. I see the image of the room as if I’m looking at myself from the teacher’s point of view. I remember sitting there and starting to cry. She asked “Whats wrong Debby?” I had been watching the clock and knew the day was almost over. I had to go outside and wait on the sidewalk. My mom had said she would be there to pick me up. But I was afraid she would not be there. “I’m afraid my mom will not pick me up.”

I don’t remember what the teach said. I remember being so very happy when my mom was there to pick me up. I feel like this is my first memory of 1) preparing to be abandoned 2) planning for it 3) anticipating the worst outcome.

What I don’t recall is why I already feared being abandoned. Did she have a pattern of not being there when I needed her already at 5 years old. My sisters were 10, 12 and 14, so I’m guessing they were old enough to babysit me and my parents must have been gone alot. I also know that was the start of me being more aware of my parent’s combative, physical and mentally abusive relationship. Although I think it started way before I have memories. I knew I always had to be a good girl so I would not get punished like Cindy. I would do everything right and make my mom proud.

Another memory from kindergarten was walking home from school and finding no one there. Seems odd that I would not walked home with my sister Kim. I only remember fleeing the house crying because no one was there.

I remember always walking or biking to school alone.